Do not dis the ABILITY

My name now is Christina Martinson, my family still calls me Tina. I was married on Oct. 15, 2011. Life is so wonderful, I sometimes have a difficult time comprehending it. I am going to start blogging again.

I am in no shortage of friends or family, but I have been hiding the part that is me. There comes a time when you can no longer deny who you are. I am talking existentially- trying to find where purpose comes from. The big picutre is I have been compelled to fundamentally redefine who I am.

There are still glimmers of the true me within, like a tree sprouting from the cracks in the face of a rock wall towering over a raging river. It is still there, but one wonders how it was able to survive. This post is about how I survived misdiagnosis. I do not have severe reocurring depression, I have ADHD predominately Inattentive type.

There are deep layers of emotional pain, buried under deep layers of concrete poured many years ago to contain the immense failure, that became how I defined myself and my world view. Now I am facing the failure monster that ripped up the inside of me. I have felt too emotionally tired to heal all of the torn flesh, and it has festered and began to rot.

It seems silly to ignore such a huge part of myself, but it was like a matter of utility to focus on what could be saved. There were numerous happy times in my life to be sure and I am grateful for that, but I wasn't running on full capacity, deep down my soul was aching. I still remember that fateful day, when I received the first diagnosis of the severe reoccurring depression when I was 12. The lady psychatrist's tight curly hair underscored the bevereity of her words, the twirls foreshadowed my life spirling in and out of immense agony, agony that perhaps I didn't have to feel if I had gotten the correct diagnosis.

I share this story my story, not to be sensational, but to start taking ownership of my experience and to take the time to heal the feastering wounds of the years that I labeled myself a retard. It at least gave me a reason why I was forgetting my homework assignments and other things. Why I didn't fit in and why I felt so immensly alone. I know there are those out there that feel misunderstood, judged because maybe they have an unseen disability, or simply are eccentric. These are the people that I share my story for. By the way, "those" people are each and everyone of us. They are us and we are them.

I am like the lingering maple leaves that refuse to fall
The true one you see.

The self doubt was like little ants
Carrying away the bits of me
Until the sum total equaled everything I was.

All through my childhood, I knew I was different, but I didn't know how.
I felt like a lion stuck in a small circus cage,
Kids were quick to point me out and tease me incessantly.
But like the majestic lion with his grand mane,
I tried to remember what it was like to be free from he chains.

I knew I was brillant, but I found my spirit broken.
I labelled myself a retard,
At least I had a reason for loosing my homework assignments
or even forgetting to do them.
That self-condemnation allowed time to lock me in.

A sliver of hope came with the diagnosis of severe reocurring depression,
Yet there was something missing-something more.
Time put another lock on the cage.
As I continued to suffer, I only wanted an answer to one question,
Why?

Years passed, I made it unto honor roll in highschool,
I looked in disbelief at the certificate.
I made my way through highschool and college,
but something still haunted me.
It was the bars of the cage that I still looked at,
Instead of the full view of possibility.
It was like when a bird mistakes a window for open space.
I would hit the window hard and fall to the ground- dazed,
Still knowing something is missing, only to hit the window again.

Finally after 28 years, 2 months, and 25 days... time opened the window and allowed me to fly free.
As I sat infront of another psychatrist's desk, the desk seemed to morph into a judgement bar.
I was proclaimed innocent with the correct diagnosis of ADHD Predominately Inattentive type.
I had finally found the answer to, "why."

When the words of the diagnosis passed through the lips of the Doctor, this gtime a soul-affirming smile spread across my face as I laughed and said, "You've got to be kidding!"
No the Doctor, who was a specialist in ADHD was not kidding. His diagnosis was later confirmed by cognitive testing.
He proceeded to tell me a hallmark feature of the inattentive type of ADHD,
Is chronic disorganization that has an adverse impact on daily living.
The tips of my toes were tingling at that time, as I jumped out of the cage of self-doubt
And ROARED like a lion!

After liberation from self-doubt I didn't know how to act outside of the cage.
Captivity was all I had known.
At times I find myself in the grief cycle,
There were a lot of missed opportunties.
But the good times were made even better,
Because they painted a layer of light on the once dark canvas.
That is now layered with so many bright colors,
That you can see the face of the true me emerging.

Now looking back in retrospect,
My heart is even fuller with gratitude for a loving God.
A God who blessed and sustained me during my darkest times,
Even when I had difficulty in believing He existed.

My family played a huge role too,
They were my cacoon
And now I am blessed to live close by.

The take home lesson is, there are other people who may feel trapped in various circumstances. Don't focus on their defecits, rather embrace them for the person they are at the place they are standing. Don't put up bars, if they make noises, act, talk or walk differently ask those that are helping them questions. Humanity is lingering, of course we can make it better, but improvement won't happen until people help one another unfurl their wings out of the cacoon.

As it is with me, many people helped me become what I am today. ADHD is with me every second of every day, but I choose to define the me that is emerging from the cacoon. Life is like a butterfly flying on soft currents of air. If I don't move foward then I stop. Stopping doesn't allow me to catch up to my dreams.

There always has to be a reject

Call in Social Darwinism, I am okay with that. I was driving home realizing that a effective reject must be socially awkward and weird. Subjective requirements, yes, but there are numerous variables which can make these situations quite interesting from a sociological viewpoint. I don't have time to get into those right now, but the strangest thing has happened I didn't feel crushed, so what a guy rejected me. Big deal according to Social Darwinism this would mean that I was "unfit," yet somehow I've never fitted in to any place better then with the elderly I work with and I have faith that I will soon be attending graduate school and continue to become who I am, me. In being me I have quirks and anomalies, but yet somehow I still manage to be fantastic. I know what direction I am going.... things are falling into place for me.

Community Influences

1. People who are homeless
2. Special Education (CKSD)
3. Special Olympics
4. Hospice
5. Mrs. Prey
6. MMHC
7. Church
8.
9.
10.

Why I want to get a MSW

1. I love working with people

2. I want to make a difference

3. I want to use the strengths perspective

4. I like the variety of things you can do with a MSW

5. I have a great capacity to be empathetic

6. I've been inspired to persue Social Work

7. One day I can work with policy

8. I want to work with the dying and their families as well as those who face great loss. (ex. those newly diagnosed with Alzhemier's and their families and kids who were newly diagnosed with Autism and their families).

9. I want to work at Martha and Mary Health Center

10. Having an MSW will enable me to do the afore mentioned

I just got finished mopping the hardwood floor, the back and forth swaying motion reminded me of the gentle waves hitting the powder sugar sand in Cayman, sitting under a tree with one foot in the sand noticing the soft sensation. Now the bird's songs are harmonizing with the click of the keys, a piece of nature brought to the ears. These are snap shots of what it means to be in the present and embracing what it has to offer.

This hasn't always been the case, I wanted nothing more than to be outta Poulsbo asap,to live the the city life in Seattle, but then my life forever changed with the prayer... please help me to grow. I sould have known better than to ask so directly, but alas here I am still in Poulsbo as a changed person. I no longer strive to be what I am not, rather to be what I am and in so doing the doors of opportunitiy have been thrown open.

I can no longer sit and standby while society is so enveloped in negativity, I have witnessed the human spirit transcend difficulties in many different situations. I know that we as individuals can make a difference, not through great acts, but by simply being and embracing this time we have to live.

I have found that a community is not just a geographic location, it is a feeling of the heart I have drawn from my hospice experiences the startling reality that every day I leave something behind whether it be a smile or an unkind word... there is only possibilities when people come together and find, because of differences there can be unity. As each individual come and use their talents we can help each other and develop a true sense of community

This is why I want to start a non-profit to afford individuals to use their unique talents, by not creating another organization, but by utilizing service organizations that are all ready in place and their unique purposes to provide opportunities to serve thereby increasing sense of ownership in our community. To act and not be acted upon.

Who woulda known?

I was just working on Relief Society things... I sure got what I asked Heavenly Father for, an opportunity to grow, but sometimes I think that the only thing growing is gray hairs. Being called as the Relief Society President of a Singles Ward has brought a whole new perspective of the gospel. It has compelled me to have confidence in myself and leadership skills. I've always loved to do the behind the scene work to get things done, now I get to minister and help others grow in the gospel in a more direct way.

I had a lot of anxiety, because I have an easier time identifying with the brethren and not so much the sisters. There were times I've felt too stressed to be myself, because I am an example now and what if some of my "tom boy" ways are less than quietly dignified? So I am working on being more lady like, but still being myself. I have gained a lot of self-awareness through this calling, gone waaaaaayyyyy outside of my comfort zone and now have sunglasses to wear when I am staring at headlights. The Lord has been very good to me.

I have so much to say, but I don't know exactly how to say it. I've been eating jumbo size pieces of humble pie. It hasn't been the most fun and tasty thing I've ever eaten, but it has led me to conclude that the foundation for happiness isn't in just becoming, but in being grateful for what you've learned along the way. There are a lot of lessons embedded in every experience encountered, even if all you can see at the time is pain.

Right now I am trying to find the real me, not what I am suppose to be, but what I am meant to be. Sometimes, okay a lot of times looking inward is like taking a dose of cough syrup... it is difficult to swallow something that tastes so rancid, but in the end it sooths all symptoms of pain. I am not saying looking inward is rancid by any means, rather it is difficult to face those feelings of vast ineptness and other insecurities... to dig them up and deal with them. In dealing with them you have to stop the reflexive nature of wanting to put them up on the storage shelves of memories and bury them deep.

As I have encountered such boxes of feelings I have had to examine what's inside and see the reasons why they are still there. Opening boxes that have been taped shut for so long have offered new insights into what it means to be me.

I believe in the goodness of people.

My sensitivity is a strength not a weakness.

I am a beloved daughter of God.

I don't define myself but what I have, but rather what I do.

I am a hopeful disillusioned idealist.

I believe in showing mutual respect to everyone regardless of difference.

I believe in the Constitution of the United States of America.

I am a patriot.

I love policy.

I love research.

I love being involved in community development.

I love learning and teaching.

I am not sorry for my religious beliefs, for they are true.

I no longer feel the need to apologize for being me.

I am politically independent.

I am making a difference in my sphere of influence and I will continue to do so whenever and wherever I can.

I believe in the power of giving of oneself in developing unity in communities.

Rather then getting upset when things go wrong, go about trying to figure ways to make things better.