Do not dis the ABILITY

My name now is Christina Martinson, my family still calls me Tina. I was married on Oct. 15, 2011. Life is so wonderful, I sometimes have a difficult time comprehending it. I am going to start blogging again.

I am in no shortage of friends or family, but I have been hiding the part that is me. There comes a time when you can no longer deny who you are. I am talking existentially- trying to find where purpose comes from. The big picutre is I have been compelled to fundamentally redefine who I am.

There are still glimmers of the true me within, like a tree sprouting from the cracks in the face of a rock wall towering over a raging river. It is still there, but one wonders how it was able to survive. This post is about how I survived misdiagnosis. I do not have severe reocurring depression, I have ADHD predominately Inattentive type.

There are deep layers of emotional pain, buried under deep layers of concrete poured many years ago to contain the immense failure, that became how I defined myself and my world view. Now I am facing the failure monster that ripped up the inside of me. I have felt too emotionally tired to heal all of the torn flesh, and it has festered and began to rot.

It seems silly to ignore such a huge part of myself, but it was like a matter of utility to focus on what could be saved. There were numerous happy times in my life to be sure and I am grateful for that, but I wasn't running on full capacity, deep down my soul was aching. I still remember that fateful day, when I received the first diagnosis of the severe reoccurring depression when I was 12. The lady psychatrist's tight curly hair underscored the bevereity of her words, the twirls foreshadowed my life spirling in and out of immense agony, agony that perhaps I didn't have to feel if I had gotten the correct diagnosis.

I share this story my story, not to be sensational, but to start taking ownership of my experience and to take the time to heal the feastering wounds of the years that I labeled myself a retard. It at least gave me a reason why I was forgetting my homework assignments and other things. Why I didn't fit in and why I felt so immensly alone. I know there are those out there that feel misunderstood, judged because maybe they have an unseen disability, or simply are eccentric. These are the people that I share my story for. By the way, "those" people are each and everyone of us. They are us and we are them.

I am like the lingering maple leaves that refuse to fall
The true one you see.

The self doubt was like little ants
Carrying away the bits of me
Until the sum total equaled everything I was.

All through my childhood, I knew I was different, but I didn't know how.
I felt like a lion stuck in a small circus cage,
Kids were quick to point me out and tease me incessantly.
But like the majestic lion with his grand mane,
I tried to remember what it was like to be free from he chains.

I knew I was brillant, but I found my spirit broken.
I labelled myself a retard,
At least I had a reason for loosing my homework assignments
or even forgetting to do them.
That self-condemnation allowed time to lock me in.

A sliver of hope came with the diagnosis of severe reocurring depression,
Yet there was something missing-something more.
Time put another lock on the cage.
As I continued to suffer, I only wanted an answer to one question,
Why?

Years passed, I made it unto honor roll in highschool,
I looked in disbelief at the certificate.
I made my way through highschool and college,
but something still haunted me.
It was the bars of the cage that I still looked at,
Instead of the full view of possibility.
It was like when a bird mistakes a window for open space.
I would hit the window hard and fall to the ground- dazed,
Still knowing something is missing, only to hit the window again.

Finally after 28 years, 2 months, and 25 days... time opened the window and allowed me to fly free.
As I sat infront of another psychatrist's desk, the desk seemed to morph into a judgement bar.
I was proclaimed innocent with the correct diagnosis of ADHD Predominately Inattentive type.
I had finally found the answer to, "why."

When the words of the diagnosis passed through the lips of the Doctor, this gtime a soul-affirming smile spread across my face as I laughed and said, "You've got to be kidding!"
No the Doctor, who was a specialist in ADHD was not kidding. His diagnosis was later confirmed by cognitive testing.
He proceeded to tell me a hallmark feature of the inattentive type of ADHD,
Is chronic disorganization that has an adverse impact on daily living.
The tips of my toes were tingling at that time, as I jumped out of the cage of self-doubt
And ROARED like a lion!

After liberation from self-doubt I didn't know how to act outside of the cage.
Captivity was all I had known.
At times I find myself in the grief cycle,
There were a lot of missed opportunties.
But the good times were made even better,
Because they painted a layer of light on the once dark canvas.
That is now layered with so many bright colors,
That you can see the face of the true me emerging.

Now looking back in retrospect,
My heart is even fuller with gratitude for a loving God.
A God who blessed and sustained me during my darkest times,
Even when I had difficulty in believing He existed.

My family played a huge role too,
They were my cacoon
And now I am blessed to live close by.

The take home lesson is, there are other people who may feel trapped in various circumstances. Don't focus on their defecits, rather embrace them for the person they are at the place they are standing. Don't put up bars, if they make noises, act, talk or walk differently ask those that are helping them questions. Humanity is lingering, of course we can make it better, but improvement won't happen until people help one another unfurl their wings out of the cacoon.

As it is with me, many people helped me become what I am today. ADHD is with me every second of every day, but I choose to define the me that is emerging from the cacoon. Life is like a butterfly flying on soft currents of air. If I don't move foward then I stop. Stopping doesn't allow me to catch up to my dreams.